So a couple weeks ago in my school paper we ran an April Fools' page on the front. I wrote everything on the page, but several things were cut or majorly edited. The first story below was edited to not be such a harsh criticism of the school, which was probably a smart move, and the second didn't run. Enjoy.
Dress code in effect for next year
By Sundance Smith
The school board voted last Monday for the addition of a stricter dress code for the 2009-2010 school year. Students are now required to wear solid colored polo shirts, khaki pants, leather belts, white socks and black dress shoes.
The decision was made as a response to staggering low ISTEP scores and slipping attendance rates. Boys’ dean Mr. Brian Knight said, “I’m not sure how it will help, but we might as well do something!”
The school will also be welcoming bright new initiatives in attempt to strengthen the classroom. All English classes will be taught by the newly implicated PLAYO computer program. With PLAYO, students answer a variety of questions which test their level of knowledge on a subject. Regardless of correct answers, the PLAYO program awards school credits to those who suffer through the program. English teacher Mr. Neil Linville says, “I think it’s just a clever way that we teachers are able to not teach our students.”
In addition to robot teachers, the school will lock students up to a ball and chain to their desks. Upon release of the class, the teachers will free students of the padlocks. Headmistress Mrs. Joan Ellis says, “We see the ball and chain approach not as a constraint to students, but rather as a means of flowing blood to the students’ minds.” To compensate for these new changes, the school has agreed to transform the cafeteria area into a ball pit and replace the main stairwell with a water slide.
Ellis assures us that although the future of the school looks grim… well… the future of the school looks grim.
Students upset over no hour delay
By Shaun Shuyler
Senior Chris Bova is mad, and he isn’t afraid to tell the world about it. Bova is upset that that school officials failed to call a two hour delay yesterday, and he’s going to speak out about it.
Bova published a startling declaration in his Facebook status bar late last night. The status read, “Chris Bova is soooo mad we didn’t have a two delay!!!!!11”
Bova’s inspirational leadership caused others to follow in his bold footsteps by changing their statuses as well. Junior Sam Clark’s Facebook status soon read, “Sam Clark refuses to go to school on time under these conditions!” Senior Brent Clements said, “Brent Clements is vastly disappointed in the school’s decision in the matter of delaying the upcoming school day.”
A total of 32 Falcons filed complaints in the form of Facebook status. Bova posted a petition group on Facebook earlier today. The group currently contains 500 Falcons. All of the students were recorded as present at school Monday.
Bova says he decided to take such a staunch position because, “I just wanted to get mad at something.”
Incidentally forecasters predict that weather conditions will continue to be mild throughout the week with lows in the mid 30’s and highs around 50.